The Enemies of His Enemy
by Alomoria
Summary: Batman One Shot. A global epidemic is underway due to an alien virus. The Justice League can't count on their villains to put aside petty disputes to help aid the planet, but then with Robin's nudging Batman decides to call in a favor with his own Rogues...


" **Don't** TOUCH _ANYTHING_. Got me?"

The stern, slightly gruff voice echoed throughout the walls of the famed, the _glorious_ , the dark—and rather damp—Batcave. The strictness of the voice belonged to a personage who was really putting a dull vibe on the whole field trip. Well, to _them_ it was a field trip. To Batman…it was a nightmare. An invasion of privacy.

It made his stomach twist painfully.

But he had no choice. The Justice League had _no one else_. There was no one they could count on in this, their most dire time of need. (Which was super sad if you thought about it but there ya go.) Those who could help were few, it seemed. The majority of the League and their allies were trying to help save the lives they could by doing crowd control and transport, providing disaster relief. Besides, what was needed now was not brawn and powers but _intelligence and cunning_.

That wasn't to say the super heroes weren't smart, quite the contrary. But they needed specialists. Geniuses. And that list just happened to fall majorly on their most wanted. The Legion of Doom, some called them. The villains. Evil scientists, foul businessmen, accidents gone wrong, mutants; the works. They had the know-how needed to try and combat the alien virus now spreading rapidly in their world.

But there was _one_ problem.

The entirety of their villains all truly **hated** their foes, the super humans who protected the same world they _all_ lived in. Batman was there as Superman and Wonder Woman headed the search. Lex Luthor laughed in their faces and hung up. The other villains weren't nearly so polite. Apparently, they'd rather watch the world burn than help their nemesis'. No one to aid them in the epidemic that was occurring. And now, _of all times_ , the Justice League actually needed civilian—or _villain_ —help. The virus was spreading, and it was getting insane outside. It was worse than the time Crane drained his toxin in the main water supply, or when Joker began leaving victims with hideous carved out smiles.

 _It was looking like Armageddon out there._

Batman had waited in the shadows of the room, a silent spectator to the failing efforts of his team members. Robin was right by his side, though a frown on his face betrayed his growing worry. The Boy Wonder leaned into Batman's side, whispering,

"Why don't we try _ours_?"

"Our _what_?" Batman already knew, but he asked it anyway. Postponing the inevitable.

"Our villains. The Rogue Gallery." Robin explained in a small voice.

"They'd much rather kill us then help us, Robin." Batman replied darkly, though he knew better than that. Oh the Rogues hated him, that was true enough most of the time. But he also knew that in a weird, unexplainable way, he had a better relationship with _his_ villains than with the entire Justice League combined. He had a lot more invested with them, known some of them before they turned to villainy, checked up on them in the asylum (when they were actually locked up there) and well…he just spent way more time with them. It was a sick realization to be honest.

" _What_ about the Rogue Gallery?" Superman asked from across the room. Batman cursed silently. Clark had the ears of a bloodhound, it seemed. With a look at Robin (who slumped at the silent reprimand) Batman stalked over to the Man of Steel.

"Robin seems to think we'll have better luck with _our_ villains."

Clark gave him an odd look. "But…none of them have powers…how could they help?" _Lex Luthor was as magical or super as a June Bug_ Batman thought to say, but he didn't have the patience to argue with Clark. Leave it to Pretty Country Boy to think with his lasers.

"They aren't _stupid_ , Clark. They're IQ's are incredibly high, they're _resourceful_ and half of them have _doctorates_." Wow, now he was defending the Rogues. Just great. If they ever heard him say that…

"Until they went…well… _looney tunes_ , eh?" Flash sped in and said with a lopsided grin. Batman's proverbial feathers ruffled a bit at that.

"They are _still smart_ , just…morally challenged." Batman actually fidgeted saying that.

Wonder Woman scoffed. "Joker described as _morally challenged_. That's a mild way of putting it."

Batman knew they meant well—except Flash, his mouth was often faster than his brain—but irrationally it made him upset that they _talked_ about _his_ villains, people they didn't even _know,_ like this. Sure, the Rogues were pretty awful people most of the time. But he knew them more intimately than anyone else. He saw them at their lowest. Knew their pain. Sympathized with their anger at the world.

He didn't agree with their methods, _obviously_. But he knew that almost all of them had serious mental stability problems. Somehow, knowing their crimes were not committed by a rational, calculating mind eased his opinion of them just a bit.

But only just.

"Look, just get them on the line. Get this over with." Batman ground out.

Flash did so, finding their latest contact information in seconds. Underground or otherwise, Flash had found the main Rogues. And the Justice League called each one.

The first was just audio—a plain old cell phone number. The Rogue in question never had a knack for technology. He was old-fashioned in a lot of ways. The Justice League was deathly quiet as they heard the dial tone on their speakers. Batman stood stock still. Robin looked more at ease, knowing what to expect. More or less.

"Hello? Tch, Jervis don't tell me you already forgot which store I told you had the sale on bottled water, and pick up some milk while you're out."

"Crane." Batman gruffed.

" _Who is this_?" Jonathan hissed, all of a sudden suspicious.

"Batman."

Without missing a beat, "Yeah? And I'm the Wizard of Oz." Jonathan scoffed, not believing _Batman_ of all people was calling him up on his private cell. Flash stifled a laugh.

Bruce could not believe this was happening right now. He would rather be hanging upside down above a vat of _acid_ and listening to Joker tell stupid jokes than do this.

"Our last encounter involved…pie." Batman ground out, almost gnashing his teeth, saying the first thing he could think of that only he and Scarecrow would know. There was a pause. Wonder Woman and Superman shared a confused look.

"What _on earth_ are _you_ doing calling _me_ for?" Crane's voice hardened. There was a slam in the background and Jonathan called out away from the receiver. "Don't slam the door so hard, what were you, _raised in a barn_?"

Batman heaved a sigh, patience dwindling.

"Oiy, I wouldn't slam the door if _someone_ was helping me carry in _our_ groceries." Replied a clipped English accent in the background.

"Hatter." Robin brightened, and said in explanation to the others who looked very confused.

"Is that Hatter?" Batman asked, just to be sure.

"Yes, that's Tetch. _What do you want_?"

"Who's that?" Jervis asked.

"It's Batman."

"Wha—is it _really_?"

" _No,_ I'm chatting with Bruce Wayne. **YES REALLY**." Flash had to clamp his mouth shut or he would have been laughing so hard by now.

"Why must you be so _rude_!"

And then they began to bicker, Robin grinning in wary amusement. They apparently did that a lot. Batman growled and Jonathan shushed Jervis.

"I need your aid." Batman said.

"…What kind of aid?" Crane asked slowly. They could practically hear Jon narrowing his eyes.

"The epidemic is moving towards the U.S. It's airborne. The Justice League is out of options and I'm calling in assistance from you. I need your help in finding a cure while the rest of the team handles crowd control."

"My, how provocative. Batman needing us for a change?" Crane said in a voice unlike his own, smoother and deeper. Batman jumped, eyes glaring.

"Leave Scarecrow OUT OF THIS."

"Ugh. No need to yell." Jonathan snapped back to himself, however.

"What's he saying?" Jervis asked in the background.

"Something about needing our help to save the world. Some such nonsense."

"Aww. I was hoping to watch _Columbo_ tonight."

"We have cable." Robin piped up. Batman glowered at him.

"Wait…you mean.."

"Yes. You'll be doing this research in my own personal facilities."

" **Deal**. We'll meet you at the abandoned amusement park at midnight." Crane hung up.

There was silence in the room again. Batman didn't dare break it.

"That was…domestic." Wonder Woman commented finally.

"Yeah…what was the Scarecrow bit though? Isn't that him?" Superman asked in curiosity, brow furrowed. Robin hopped on a stool next to Flash.

"Yeah, but sometimes they can be two separate personalities…sort of. It's a sort of defense mechanism, or override to help him do more…morally questionable things." Robin chirped.

"They aren't usually too insane and evil when off the clock." Batman explained without turning around. Robin nudged Flash to continue to the next name.

It was a Skype this time.

And the answer they got was even more unexpected than the last.

"Yo, this is Mr. E. What's..." Edward trailed off as he registered who he was talking to, eyes bulging. He was wearing a black Pink Floyd T-shirt and working on some kind of 3-D rendering of a computer game character on another computer. "…up?" His eyes bulged from behind his glasses even more. His hair was fluffier than usual. There was a poster in the back wall of Bruce Wayne in some pop-50's style graphic design ad for the company. Batman groaned at that.

"Nice poster, Riddler was it?" Superman said with a smirk, eyes dancing with humor.

Edward dived beneath his desk and crawled to the side. In another moment he was back in view of the screen, smoothing his Riddler coat jacket—green with black question marks—and straightening his bowler hat, scowling at Batman. He still had on jeans, and the coat wasn't buttoned. But it would have to do.

"You could warn a guy, y'know. You can't just call someone with the Justice League right there!" Edward complained towards Bruce, who he only knew as Batman.

"Edward…" Batman began, eyes narrowed when Eddie made a face. With a sigh he amended, "Riddler.."

And he explained their situation. Again. Obviously it was now up to him because Superman was content to sit back and watch the show.

Riddler whistled. "Man, that bad eh? Well, it had to be for you guys to be calling lil' ol me. Well I'm on board. You gonna call the others?" Riddler didn't seem too happy about the prospect of sharing Batman, but it would quicken the work to have his old Rogue rivals in on the deal.

Flash was about to say they already had called a couple people when Robin put a hand over his mouth and gave a shake of the head.

"Yes, obviously." Batman gruffed. Riddler huffed.

"No need to get so ansty. See you at midnight!" Edward logged off.

"What's the deal, kid?" Flash said, a bit put off by being shushed by a child.

"Robin was right. Edward wouldn't have agreed if he knew he wasn't the first person we called." Batman explained. "His ego is too large for that."

"He sure is a fan of Bruce Wayne." Superman smiled. Batman wanted to punch him to Kingdom Come.

"He has a problem with obsessions."

"So he's _obsessed_ with you?"

Batman's eyes were slits now as he gazed at the black haired alien.

"Let's move on…" Flash said quickly to diffuse the building tension. Flipping through his notes, he let out a bark of a laugh. This one had FaceTime. "This should be good."

"Uh-Oh." Robin said, peering over his shoulder.

"What?" Batman snapped.

"You might wanna let Superman take this one…"

And after seeing who this next one was, he did.

"Heyyy, Red? Is that you? I can't get a clear pict-cha' of ya' hun!" Said a voice belonging to a pixelated but ever clearing image on the screen.

"How'd she get my number?! Tell her to buzz off!" said another voice, another blob of pixels.

"I gave it to her to call me! This is _our_ phone, puddin'. You two should try to get along…"

"I ain't bein' friends with no _plant_!"

"She ain't a plant! She's a woman!"

"That's worse!"

"I'm a woman!"

"Yer' point?"

"Why you-!" And the figure lunged back towards the other and they began to scuffle.

Batman ran a hand down his face. Facetiming the _goof troup_ was not his favorite pastime.

Now the image cleared—though now all they saw was part of a run down carousel and a ratty couch with numerous mismatching patches. And a pair rolling on the floor, slapping each other and yelling.

"Miss Quinn? Mr. Joker?..." Superman cleared his voice. His tone hard, though. He wasn't fond of these two _at all_.

The two stopped rolling and punching and looked at the phone they left aside to see Superman glaring back at them.

"What in the-?" Joker squinted. Harley pushed him off and straightened her tank top (it was a smiley face with three eyes) and stood up, Joker running a hand through his teal-green hair, another hand on his hip. He was clearly confused.

"Whatcha' want, Supes?" Harley pouted, arms folded. Joker glared at her and pushed her to the floor, making her give a huge squeak. "I ask the questions here!" He said. Wonder Woman winced and thought he was lucky she wasn't there to beat him to a pulp for hurting a woman like that. Though, from what she heard, Harley Quinn endured quite a lot and still stayed with the mad man.

"Whatcha' want, Supes?" Joker asked, arms folded and stance rather lazy like he didn't care.

"We need your help." Superman said reluctantly. Joker yawned.

"So? I ain't helpin' no goody-two-shoes in a cape and tights."

"You don't even know what—"

"AND Yous' an' alien. You ain't no Earthlin'. I ain't helpin' no Extra-Terrestrials." Joker stuck out his tongue. Clark had to blink at that crack.

Batman sighed and pushed the alien aside, albeit more gentler than Joker had with his girlfriend.

Joker's eyes lit up immediately upon seeing Batman on the screen. "BATSY!" He gushed, eyes now huge and glowing almost, his smile huge and hands clasped together.

"Joker, your expertise in chemistry and engineering is needed." He ground out, trying to ignore how happy the man was to see him. It freaked him out some.

Joker just leaned on the counter (or was it a table?) gazing happily at Batman. Harley sat in a huff on the couch, obviously jealous.

"Did you _hear_ me?" Batman growled so harshly Flash jumped.

"Yeahhhhhh…"Joker sighed dreamily.

"Stop it."

"Stop what?" Joker replied.

"Stop looking at me like that, it's indecent."

Joker laughed so hard he fell on the floor. "When have we ever been decent, Batsy." He gasped between giggles as he struggled back up to the ledge.

"You could start right now by calling a truce and helping me save the world. You half-rate _mime_."

"Ooooh, you cut deep." Joker chuckled, clutching his heart.

"How come he can talk to you like that, but I get a punch in the side?" Harley yelped.

"Because that's how he shows his brotherly affection for me." Joker rolled his eyes, as if this was obvious. Harley grumbled.

"I'm done. I'm hanging up." Batman replied, almost forgetting to use his deeper voice. He was fed up with this.

"Hold it! Of course I'll help you, dear. I always help my friends." Joker cooed.

"You don't _have_ any friends."

"That's what makes you special." Joker smiled evilly.

Batman yelled out the meeting place, threatened Joker if he even _tried_ to kill anyone, and forcefully hung up.

"I hate my life." Batman groaned. Robin sighed.

"Wow, you didn't even have to tell him why, he just agreed on the spot." Flash said in awe. Batman grumbled.

The only person left on the list who would be remotely helpful was the next call. She too had a regular phone. It was a home line actually. But since she usually stayed in one place, questions weren't really asked. She paid her bills on time, and didn't kill people. Often. She was even out of Arkham on good behavior.

"Hello?" Asked a bored, somewhat demure voice.

"Pamela, it's Batman." He sighed. He was so ready to go take a nap on the couch and hear Alfred and the Robins chatting happily in the kitchen.

"Mmm…okay." She wasn't gullible either it seemed. But he knew this was due to hard-learned experience, and his voice softened just a bit.

"I need your help." And he had Wonder Woman briefly explain the situation. Pamela had been on the fast track to world-expert status in botany before her slip in sanity. Her knowledge may fuel ideas to natural resistance options for the virus. Plus, she was able to handle Joker and kept Scarecrow on his toes. She was difficult to deal with, but as an ally she was a force to be reckoned with.

"Will this virus pose any kind of harm to the plantlife?" she asked, and Batman mouthed 'lie' but Superman, bless his heart, was the boy scout.

"Not that we can tell, no." he replied. Batman groaned.

"Then good luck, bye—"

"HATTER WILL BE THERE." Robin shouted from the back and hopped off his stool to get closer.

Wonder Woman looked surprised and Superman, once again, confused. Flahs looked like this was the best soap opera he'd ever seen.

And Batman looked very done with today.

"Who said that?" Pam asked after a moment.

"Robin, ma'am." Robin replied.

"You say….Tetch will be helping?"

"Yeah…"

Another pause.

"Okay, where and when do we meet?"

And that was how Pamela was recruited.

 _NOW_ though they were all there. Bruce was able to drug them all (with the help of his batkids, which Alfred said afterword wasn't the best father/child bonding moment he'd ever seen) and now that they had awakened, they were looking around the cave, some giddy and some genuinely curious.

And Riddler's voice echoing in the walls.

"OMG, LOOK JON! SHARK REPELLENT! WHAT EVEN _IS_ THIS!?"

Batman groaned. It was going to be a long night.


End file.
